How hideous has the first two weeks of NFL play been?
-Both the Denver Broncos and St. Louis Rams have scored more field goals than touchdowns…yet they are both 1-1.
-The biggest star on offense for the Oakland Raiders? Not WR Randy Moss. Not RB Lamont Jordan. No, not even QB Aaron Brooks. It’s kicker Sebastian Janikowski. He has been the sole provider of the Raiders’ scoring. All six points.
-We’ve had three teams score nine points (Seahawks, Broncos and Jaguars) and win.
Man, if I wanted to witness such anemic point totals I would have tuned in to the World Cup over the summer.
Heck, earlier this week baseball’s Colorado Rockies scored more points in a two-game span than have fourteen NFL teams.
Will week three provide some actual offense or will it be merely offensive?
Speaking of offensive, I am below .500 in my picks against the point spread. Yes, if these picks weren’t mythical I’d be making another trip to the plasma center.
That said, the following picks against the spread are not to be used as a basis for a cash wager.
Jets (+5 ½) at Bills: After watching the Bills offense the past two weeks, I finally realized what the J.P. stands for in QB J.P. Losman’s name. JUST PUNT.
Bengals (+2) at Steelers: Last week, Bengals WR Chad Johnson made one of the most acrobatic plays I’ve ever seen. After being flattened by a Cleveland Browns defender he somehow kept the gold teeth in his mouth.
Jaguars (+7) at Colts: With kicker Adam Vinatieri nursing a groin injury the Colts signed veteran free agent Martin Gramatica as “insurance.” How appropriate since Gramatica closely resembles the Geico gecko.
Titans (+11) at Dolphins: The most exciting aspect of QB Daunte Culpepper’s trade from Minnesota to Miami? The Dolphins have “Flamin' Hot Cheetos” in their clubhouse vending machine.
Redskins (-4) at Texans: Texans head coach Gary Kubiak keeps all of the teams’ offensive plays on a blackberry. So when he attempted to access running plays he received the error message “File not Found.”
Bears (-3 ½) at Vikings: This week’s tongue twister: Mushin Muhammad makes mincemeat of Minnesota.
Panthers (-3) at Buccaneers: Given all of the passes he had batted down last week, Bucs QB Chris Simms looked like he was playing one-on-one hoops against Shaq.
Packers (+6 ½) at Lions: This week, Lions WR Roy Williams comes up with his boldest guarantee to date: Detroit will actually score in double figures!
Packers injury report: QB Brett Favre (pain of regret) is probable.
Ravens (-6 ½) at Browns: After last weeks’ loss, Browns TE Kellen Winslow criticized the offensive coaches, implying the game plan was too conservative. That’s the equivalent of criticizing a Dodge Omni owner for not entering the Indy 500.
Rams (+4 ½) at Cardinals: With the Cardinals having sold out all their regular season home games, owner Bill Bidwill can now invest in even more unsightly bow ties.
Giants (+3 ½) at Seahawks: After missing three game winning field goal attempts in last seasons’ match-up in Seattle, Giants kicker Jay Feely has been awarded Starbucks discounts for life.
Eagles (-6) at 49ers: Alexander Pope once said “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
He must have been a 49ers fan.
Broncos (+7) at Patriots: Why is Broncos QB Jake Plummer paranoid about losing his starting job? He was handed an Office Max catalog and told to pick out a clipboard he liked.
Falcons (-4) at Saints: I love to watch Falcons RB Warrick Dunn run the football. He looks like a Lilliputian running through a field of giants.
Last Week: 7-9-0