Pass the Dutchie

Every Saturday morning (8-9 CT) my wife's cousin, "Dutch" (a/k/a "Smartmonies"), hosts a one-hour sports talk show on a Uniontown, PA radio station. Because Uniontown is an hour south of Pittsburgh, Dutch is an absolute Steelers nut. In fact, his overall passion for the NFL is second to none.

Unfortunately, said passion often crosses the line into nutty conspiracy theories. To give you some insight, Dutch has had a frothing-at-the-mouth obsession with "Spygate". Ever since it was revealed that New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick videotaped opponent's defensive hand signals since 2000, Dutch has been on a mission. His mission is to ensure the NFL record book contains an asterisk next to each of the Pats' three Super Bowl championships in the Belichick era.

Now his disdain for the Pats has gotten...well....sad, just sad.

ASSOCIAED (sic) PRESS REPORTS THAT BELICHICK WOULD NOT SAY WHAT THE ACTUAL INJURY IS TO TOM BRADY. THE ARTICLE SAYS THAT EVERYTHING POINTS TO HIS KNEE BUT BELICHICK WOULD NOT SAY. "KNEE MY ASS," SAYS SMARTMONIES WHO REPORTED ON HIS RADIO PROGRAM LAST WEEK THAT BRADY HAD A LEG THAT NEEDED SURGERY AND THAT HE WAS UNLIKELY TO MAKE IT THRU MANY GAMES.

So the physician who confirmed Brady has a torn ACL and MCL in his left knee was lying? And what does an injury to his right foot have to do with his torn knee ligaments?

"BRADY SHOULD HAVE HAD THAT SURGERY AFTER THE SB LAST YEAR AND INSTEAD GOT ON A BOAT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND LEFT THE COUNTRY. HE DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR ANY OFFSEASON WORKOUTS. ALL BECAUSE HE WAS BEING CALLED A CHEATER AND LOST A SB. SO NOW BELICHICK HAS TO COVER FOR HIM. UNREAL! WHEN DOES IT END?"

I suppose you also believe that Lee Harvey Oswald didn't act alone. Answer me this: Since when does a sprained ankle require surgery? A little ice would do the trick. I'm sure Gisele Bundchen could've accommodated that while on a boat somewhere else in the world.

SMARTMONIES MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING.

Or on something.

IF THE FANS AND MEDIA FIND OUT THAT BRADY THOUGHT OF HIMSELF INSTEAD OF HIS TEAMMATES WHEN HE DECIDED TO IGNORE SURGERY AND GO HAVE FUN ALL OFFSEASON, THIS WOULD REALLY HURT HIS REPUTATION.

Ah, but riding a motorcycle without a helmet just a month before training camp seems quite selfish, too. Did that at all affect your man crush adulation of Ben Roethlisberger? Did it hurt Big Ben's reputation?

"BELICHICK TOOK HIM OFF THE INJURY REPORT BEFORE THE GAME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3 YEARS," SAYS SMARTMONIES. "NOW WHY WOULD HE DO SUCH A THING? WELL I WILL TELL YOU WHY. ITS SO NO ONE ACCUSES HIM OF HAVING A PRIOR INJURY THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN TAKEN CARE OF IN THE OFFSEASON, THAT'S WHY."

Do you wear that tin foil hat with your Roethlisberger jersey? Now that would be a bold fashion statement.

Also, I'm hoping you can answer another question. Why do you refer to yourself in the third person (i.e. "SMARTMONIES SAYS") when you're writing?

Just curious.
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