My goodness, these seem to come around so quickly. Yes, this is the eighteenth installment of this feature where a guy dubbed "Super Bowl Inquisitor" engages with yours truly in a back and forth regarding the big game featuring the Kansas City Chiefs and Philadelphia Eagles.
While I'm no Dennis Miller, I'll attempt to retort with obscure analogies in an effort to bring hilarity to this site (though I will settle for an obligatory "heh.")
Super Bowl Inquisitor: I know you’re a history/trivia buff, so do you realize that this will be the first time that brothers will face each other in a Super Bowl?
Brad Carlson: I am aware of that, yes! It’s high time the big game features not one but two black quarterbacks.
SBI: Wha???? No, no. I mean brothers, as in literal
siblings. KC Tight End Travis Kelce and Philly Center Jason Kelce?
BC: Oh. Uhhh…yeah. Cool, cool.
SBI: But hey, since you brought it up, this Super Bowl will
indeed be the first one where both starting QBs are black. Undeniably historic.
BC: No question it’s a great thing and *long* overdue. Let’s
just hope the leftist sports media doesn’t beclown itself like they did 35 years ago when Doug Williams was the first ever black QB to start in a Super
Bowl. Or worse yet, invoke the absurdly taken-out-of-context Rush Limbaugh quote from 20 years ago.
SBI: Speaking of Jason Kelce, his very pregnant wife is bringing along her OB/GYN in the event she goes into labor during Super Bowl
weekend. A pretty savvy move, no?
BC: Sure, but not nearly as smart as Chiefs coach Andy Reid
bringing along his cardiologist.
SBI: Which reminds me, how about this coaching matchup? Andy
Reid goes against the team where he spent 14 seasons as a head coach until he
was fired after the 2012 campaign. When
Reid was hired by KC in 2013, he dismissed the team’s WR coach Nick Sirianni
--- now the Eagles head coach. Which head man has the bigger motivation to
prevail here?
BC: I’ll go with Sirianni since he would love to hang over his kids' heads a trip to Disney World as an attempt at behavior modification.
SBI: Chris Stapleton will be performing our National Anthem.
Your thoughts?
BC: Well tens of millions of people will be watching live,
so he’ll probably calm his nerves by taking a shot of Tennessee Whiskey.
SBI: With a lame joke like that, You Should Probably Leave.
BC: Well played, sir.
SBI: After many years of multiple headliners during the halftime show, the NFL is going back to a single performer this year with Rihanna. Does that do anything for ya?
BC: I will say that I am intrigued
by any singer who can turn “umbrella” into a 11-syllable word.
SBI: Former Vikings factor - You
have Jerick McKinnon and Ihmir Smith-Marsette playing for KC; Anthony Harris
and Linval Joseph with Philly. Any preference?
BC: If I had to pick, I’d say the
edge to the Chiefs because of McKinnon. He’ll always have a special place in my
heart for this moment in Atlanta 5+ years ago.
That's dirty, @JetMckinnon1.#Skol pic.twitter.com/YnymlZRdaw
— Minnesota Vikings (@Vikings) December 3, 2017
If you’re a longtime Vikings fan,
you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down.
SBI: This is the third ever Super
Bowl to be played at State Farm Stadium in Glendale, AZ. The first one, 15 years
ago, was best known for David Tyree’s “helmet catch,” keeping the NY Giants’
game-winning drive alive in their upset of the 18-0 New England Patriots. Eight
years ago, the Seattle Seahawks were one yard away from repeating as Super Bowl champions
when they inexplicably threw a pass, resulting in a game-clinching interception by Patriots’ unknown rookie cornerback Malcolm Butler.
What bizarre developments in this game could possibly top those?
BC: Hmmm. Uh, I’ll go with obscure
Chiefs’ fullback Michael Burton throwing a go-ahead touchdown on a gadget play…..while
losing a shoe.
SBI: I understand you’re having
another gathering at your house for the big game. What’s on the menu?
BC: Well, we gotta represent both
Super Bowl cities, so we’re using Q Fanatic for the barbecue and then the
fetching Mrs. Carlson is making
cheesecake bars with Philadelphia cream cheese. Oh, and whatever beverages our
guests are bringing along.
SBI: Dang. Do you accept people
dropping in unannounced?
BC: As long as they bring a
beverage!
SBI: OK, it’s time for either/or
featuring categories related to the two Super Bowl cities.
BC: For the record, someday soon I’d
like Minneapolis to be one of the cities to choose from.
SBI: Noted.
Let’s begin with food - KC BBQ or Philly Cheese Steak?
BC: KC BBQ all the way, baby! If
my wife would allow it, I’d have our home smelling like a smokehouse 24/7.
SBI: Actors - Paul Rudd or Bradley
Cooper?
BC: I believe Cooper is the better
actor but gimme Rudd’s youthful looks at 50-something as well as his ability to
perfectly nail roles calling for a dorky, awkward vibe.
SBI: Rappers - Tech N9ne or Will
Smith (aka The Fresh Prince)?
BC: Gotta go with Tech N9ne. I
mean, who would you fear more, a guy named for a semi-automatic handgun or an insecure
fella who slaps diminutive comedians and lets his wife shtup other dudes?
SBI: And finally, U.S. Presidents
– Harry Truman or Joe Biden.
BC: Yeesh. I’ll take a pass on
this one. But if you wanna put in perspective how ridiculously long the current
occupant of the White House has been in national politics: Mr. Truman died just
one month after Mr. Biden won his first U.S. Senate election.
SBI: Thanks for that.
OK, we’ve reached the merciful conclusion of this year’s feature. Yes, it’s the prediction segment, as the Philadelphia Eagles are a 1-1/2 point favorite over the Kansas City Chiefs. Who ya got?
BC: If the QBs play well in their
respective team’s victory, the headlines are ready made. With KC quarterback
Patrick Mahomes nursing a bum ankle, a Chiefs win could result in “Mahomes had
a leg to stand on.” And if Philly wins due to the stellar play of 3rd
year quarterback Jalen Hurts, it’s only right that we should see “Hurts: so
good.”
I say whomever has the ball last wins, so I’m going with a literal coin toss and picking the Chiefs to win 31-30.
With that, enjoy the game!
2022 postseason record:
Against the spread: 7-5
Straight up: 9-3
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