Super Bowl LVI: The Q&A

Well here we are again. Super Bowl weekend!! In what is the 17th season of this bit, a guy who calls himself Super Bowl Inquisitor makes his annual visit to this blog in much the same way my obnoxious, alcoholic Uncle Jim (may he rest in peace) visited our house every Easter. 

Anyhow, SBI brings the inquires and I convey the nonsensical retorts. 

Super Bowl Inquisitor: Last year's Super Bowl featured the highest combined ages of the two head coaches. This year's SB coaches (Los Angeles Rams' Sean McVay is 36, Cincinnati Bengals' Zac Taylor is 38) combine for the *youngest* to square off in the big game. Your thoughts?

Brad Carlson: It's like a double feature with Jack Lemmon & Walter Matthau in the first film then Seth Rogen & James Franco in the next. 

 

SBI: After 13 years languishing with the Detroit Lions, Rams QB Matthew Stafford leads his club to the Super Bowl barely a year after being traded to L.A. Can you name a better reversal of fortune? 

BC: I haven’t seen a 1-year upgrade this successful since 1987-‘88 when Dustin Hoffman went from Ishtar to Rain Man.

 

SBI: At the other end of the spectrum, Bengals QB Joe Burrow makes the Super Bowl in only his second year in the league. How impressive is that?

BC: What’s amazing is he wasn’t even old enough to rent a car at the beginning of this NFL season.

 

SBI: Are you OK with Mickey Guyton performing the National Anthem?

BC: I’m not at all familiar with Ms. Guyton. However, she’ll be in my good graces unless she turns “see” into a 10-syllable word.

 

SBI: Halftime entertainment includes Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Mary J. Blige. Does that do anything for ya?

BC: This gives me a brilliant idea for a new game show: Super Bowl 56 halftime song lyrics or Jon Gruden’s emails.

 

SBI: What's on the menu for your Super Bowl gathering?

BC: The fetching Mrs. Carlson and I are actually hosting a get-together this Sunday, so we're leaving it to our guests to determine what's on the menu. We told 'em to being either an appetizer or dessert to share. What they end up bringing will determine if they're invited to future gatherings. 

SBI: NBC will carry this game, which means it’ll be Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth with the call. Is there any way Collinsworth can be impartial given he was a member of the Bengals teams which appeared in two Super Bowl in the 1980s?

BC: I have no idea, but at least Collinsworth will get a glimpse into what it’s like for MSNBC anchors attempting to be impartial on news involving Democrats.

 

SBI: Ah yes, there’s always a political angle with you. Along those same lines, which team will have the allegiance of the “woke” crowd?

BC: Hmmm. I say they’ll lean Cincinnati due to their nickname alone.

 

SBI: I’m not following your logic. The “woke” crowd has an affinity for Bengals?

BC: Sure. The “wokes” are big advocates for the trans crowd. Trans men used to be women, hence they’ve “been gals.”

 

SBI: Ugh. Just for that I’m tempted to end this bit right here but I have to get to the coveted “either/or” regrading the two teams’ cities.

 

Let’s start with amusement parks – Disneyland or Kings Island.

BC: I’ve been to Disneyland once. Even though it was way back in 1985, I still have “It’s a Small World” stuck in my head. So Kings Island by default.

 

SBI: TV characters – Jim Rockford, P.I. or Dr. Johnny Fever.

BC: While my heart should be with the radio DJ, I’m gonna have to go with Rockford based solely on the Rockford Files’ epic theme music.

 

SBI: Music – Beck or Nick Lachey

BC: I greatly admire Nick’s prowess with the ladies (Uh, HELLO, Jessica Simpson *and* Vanessa Minnillo), but I prefer Beck’s music…..and his general kookiness.

 

SBI: And finally, famous politicians from the past – Sonny Bono or Jerry Springer.

BC: This would be the only way I’d ever select a California politico over someone from the red state of Ohio. Sonny it is.

 

SBI: Time to get to it. The Rams are a 3-1/2 point pick over the Bengals. What’s your prediction.

BC: Someone said recently that Rams stud DE Aaron Donald (#99) is going to hit Bengals QB Joe Burrow (#9) so many times that one of his nines is going to wind up imprinted next to Burrow’s. Given that Burrow has been sacked 12 times in the postseason, I picture Donald being the proverbial hot knife to the Cincinnati O-line’s “warm butter.”

 

The Bengals have a bright future but the Rams were built for this exact moment in time. I’m going 27-17, Rams.

 

Enjoy the game, all!

2021 Postseason record: 
Against the spread: 9-3

Straight up: 7-5

-------------------------------------------------